Scared....

I don't often admit out loud when I'm scared, let alone put it in writing so it lasts forever.  But I'm scared. 

I went to the OB yesterday for my weekly check up.  I joked that I was ready to serve an eviction notice to this baby.  I'm tired of my back, hips and other things being in constant pain.  I'm tired of sleeping on the couch.  I'm tired of the swelling and the inability to comfortably reach my feet.  I'm tired of being tired and winded all the time.  And honestly, I'm tired of sharing my body with another human being.  I want to get healthy and having a baby in my body doesn't help that quest any.

I wasn't expecting him to even consider induction since he doesn't think this baby is as big as my other two were.  But he offered to schedule me a week from my due date, which is the 22nd.  So, he looked at the calendar and said he'd call and see if he could get me in on the 15th.  I'll find out for sure at my appointment next week what's going on.  I was really excited to finally see the light at the end of this pregnancy...until I talked to Clayton about it.  His response, "That's a week from this Friday!"  Holy Cow!  That's only 9 days from now.

And to make things just a little more freaky...I'm already dialated to 3cm.  I've never been this far dialated this early in my pregnancy.  When I went in to be induced with Andrew, I wasn't anything...not dialated, not effaced.  With Luke I was 2cm dialated and 50% effaced.  They both came a week and a half early thanks to induction because they were both measuring on the big side.  And they were.  8lbs 13oz for Andrew and 8lbs 9oz for Luke.  The Dr. told me that I may go into labor on my own before he can have me induced.

Am I ready?  I have the baby's bag packed for the hospital.  The car seat is ready to go in the car.  I have all the baby's stuff put away and the bed ready.  I still need to pack me a bag.  I'm a little worried about going into labor on my own.  I'm on my 3rd pregnancy and am not sure I'll know when it's time.  Even if I do, will I make it to the hospital on time?  Andrew was born 12 hours after my water broke.  Luke was only 2 1/2 hours.  If my water breaks, I'm a solid 45 minutes from the hospital - not including loading up the kids, etc.  What if I can't drive myself and Clayton is at work?  I know there are people I can call, but it still kind of freaks me out.

I'm terrified that I'm not going to be able to handle three kids.  Two already try my patience to its limits.  And everyone I talk to tells me how hard the transition from 2 to 3 was.  It doesn't help that when I'm stressed out I tend to take it out on my kids.  The poor kids probably think I'm some kind of monster right now.

I'm sure it will all work out fine.  I'm trying to take a deep breath and just realize that I just have to have faith that it will all work out.