That's what I feel like I'm in the middle of right now - a butt-whooping. 3 kids is even harder than I thought it would be. I'm sure a lot of it is because Matthew's lack of any kind of consistent schedule makes it hard for me to get in a shower or a meal or sleep, let alone take care of anything else...including the older two kids. And they are masters at waiting until I've got my arms full feeding Matthew to start fighting and misbehaving. I am overwhelmed and can't help but wonder how in the world I'm going to get through summer break when Andrew doesn't even have school a couple of mornings a week to keep him busy and give me a break.
I had an awful Mother's day also. I know it seems selfish, but the whole day revolved around my mom and mother-in-law. I didn't get my favorite breakfast (church is too early) or lunch (we just munched on stuff at my mom's) or dinner (SIL made dinner catered to her mom). I didn't get a card or flowers or even really a thanks for being my mom. And right now, I feel like that's all I am is mom. It was hard to read friends blogs and facebook posts about their wonderful Mother's day. Mine didn't happen this year. Not that I didn't want to spend time with the moms in our lives, but it would have been nice to have my contributions to my family recognized. And this is not meant to be a guilt trip for anyone involved. It's just the way it worked out this year.
And our anniversary and my birthday are pretty well shot, too. Clayton's work is going into a "no-fly" zone starting next Monday (the day after his birthday) and lasting until the 4th of July. Intel is moving one of the factories to a new process. He can't take any time off of work and isn't supposed to go out of town at all in case they need him to come in. This time also takes up almost all of Andrew's summer vacation. So much for hoping we could go somewhere or at least have Clayton take a couple of days off. He is taking this Friday off to take the two older boys on Fathers and Sons campout with his brother's ward since he can't take them to our ward's.
And as if all that weren't enough, my brother has been dealing with severe abdominal pain for the past couple of weeks. He's had ultrasounds and CT scans and finally had an MRI yesterday. The doctor called him at 6:30pm...never a good sign. He's got a spot on his pancreas. They can't (not sure if it's can't or don't want to wait) to do a biopsy and are hoping to get him into surgery in the next week or two. The doctor said he doesn't know what it is and won't until surgery, but if it's cancer and has spread at all, gave my brother 3-6 months to live. I'm trying not to be too pessimistic right now because they don't know what it is or how bad it is, but it's a little scary. I have a half sister than I rarely speak to and have very little relationship with and since my grandma's death will probably never see again and my brother. He is, for all intents and purposes, my only sibling. And to think that he may not live to see his next birthday or even meet his newest nephew ... Let's just say I'm feeling completely helpless. He's terrified. My mom is freaking out. And I can't even keep my head above water with my own family, let alone feel like I can do anything to help them.
So, I just have to put one foot in front of the other and try to do what I can. I just feel like it's not good enough and that there just isn't enough of me to go around. I can't wait for things to mellow out and calm down... And hopefully turn out for the best.
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